Family Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 1 - "Families Today")

As a minister in the same congregation and city for over 11 years, I realize that the term "family" has many different meanings to many different people. However, I've never thought through the many different implications that come along with these varying definitions.

There is obvious debate and disagreement in the United States over what the term "family" means. This debate is even present in the church. Family can be biological with traditional, extended, and blended families. It can also be non-biological with best friends, co-workers, and sexual partners. The definition of family totally depends on who you're asking.

I've always known that television plays a major role in the lives of Americans. It also plays a role in the lives of Christian Americans. The evolution of television has had a dramatic impact on our concepts of family. In the 1950's, it was very common to view shows that displayed the lives of the traditional family: mom, dad, and the biological children from their marriage to each other. That has totally changed.

Television programs now display the lives of all types of families. Traditional families are rarely seen, and extended, blended, and non-traditional families are commonplace. The emergence of step-families, singles that live together in sexual and non-sexual relationships, and homosexual relationships are common. This has had a major impact on the way our society views the family.

The change in our culture over the years has also affected the definitions and roles for the family. We are working more and giving birth to fewer children. More moms work than ever before. The dramatic increase in the acceptance and practice of divorce has also totally changed the family dynamic.

The last half of chapter one emphasized the functional definition of the family which involves the way people relate to one another. Each person has a function in the relationship. Therefore, a functional definition of family often includes people who are not biologically tied to one another. This is a very common and accepted form of family in today's culture.

Functional families are characterized in at least six different ways: Organization of relationships; Enduring over time and contexts; Meeting needs for attachment and belonging; Sharing life purposes; Sharing help; Sharing resources. The contexts and variations of people who meet these types of needs transcend beyond biological ties.

It is the author's opinion that the functional definition of the family is closest to that taught and stressed by Jesus Christ. He taught us to reach out and relate to everyone as brothers and sisters and not just those who were born into our biological family. For years, the church has accepted the traditional family as its model and goal for all families. It needs to grow and stretch as it tries to reach out to and include a society and culture that varies greatly from this in its form and function. We are to be all things to all people in attempt to save them. We have a lot of room to grow in our concepts of what family ministry should be and who it should include.

Family Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 2 - "Families in Physical and Social Space")

Chapter two honestly caught me be surprise and left me a little overwhelmed. I was aware of most of the information I read, but the combination of "putting all the facts together" in my head was a lot to process at once.

The basic gist of chapter two involves the realization of how much "outside" influences affect the condition of the family. In this chapter, those "outside" influences involve the family's neighborhood, community, and the stresses they involve. As we strive to better understand all that make up families today, we must take note of several factors that influence how they function. They include the family's habitat, ability to adapt, stress factors and social networks.

The habitat of the family involves the neighborhood and community in which the family lives and thrives. The definitions for neighborhood and community have totally changed in the past 15 years. The cause of and results of these changes have greatly increased the amount of stress that is placed on today's families.

A family's neighborhood and community used to include the same basic things. However, that is no longer the case for most Americans. A family's community is no longer restricted to the immediate physical space that is located near or around the home. Community has expanded and now involves many other people, places, and things.

In the late 70's and 80's, a family's community included things close to their home: the friends next door, the people your children walked to school with, the local playground or baseball diamond, and the local restaurant or grocery store owner. Time and diversity has changed all of these things.

Community now involves people, places, and things that are often several miles from your home: the local skating rink, video arcade or local amusement facility; the regional soccer center or basketball gym;

the workout center or gym where mom and dad "work out", etc. Shopping malls, restaurant chains, and megastores have totally changed our sense of community.

This change in habitat has totally changed the family's ability to adapt to the various stresses that life presents. An average day in the life of a family in the early 80's might involve a family eating breakfast together, children walking to school together or with a neighbor, husbands coming home for work for lunch, children playing together after school at the local sandlot or playground, families eating supper together and then perhaps reading a story together or watching a television program as a family.

In contrast, the author describes a typical day in the life of a family in 2002 with the following scene:

"...each day is a trip. Bags have to be packed for school for children and work for parents, for the gym for a parent getting some exercise on lunch hour, for a child's soccer practice after school, for the other child's violin lesson. Many families leave the household each day not to return for ten hours or more."

Life at home and abroad has changed dramatically. Families today rarely eat meals together. Fast food and microwaves have increased the ease of eating alone and on the run. There is no longer a family car, but several cars. Families often travel separately to the same church building and then head different directions after services are over. Children are no longer driven to school but are "shipped off to school" on buses and often return home to empty houses for 2-3 hours because both parents work.

When family members are home at the same time, our middle class society has helped break down our unity even more. Often, families have individual rooms, bathrooms, televisions, and computers all enabling them to do things on their own. You can watch what you want, eat what you want, shower when you want, sleep when you want, and travel whenever you want. This diversity has helped in some ways, but has increased the level of stress on marriages and the family in many ways.

Here are some statistics I found interesting about the changes in the family over the years:

From 1960 to 1990, the percentage of family's in which men were the sole breadwinner declined from 42% to 15%. (Wilkie 1991) Schools began serving lunches to our children. Women that stayed at home found themselves in empty neighborhoods. Women began developing relationships through work outside their normal neighborhood and our communities expanded. Between 1947 and 1990 there was a 65% increase in the workforce of 16 and 17 year old boys. There was a 240% increase in the workforce of age 16 and 17 year old girls. They are not working because they have to but in order to support their own hobbies, interests, and desires for spending. (Daly 1996:93)

All of these facts are somewhat overwhelming, yet they challenge and open the doors to the local church.

Churches have become an important part of the family's community in today's culture. The church is needed as a reliable and trusted source of extended family and community. What will family ministry do to help assist the family in a time of great need and transition?

The author suggests that family ministry can provide a significant physical and social environment for families in need. It can be an extension of the home. It can provide opportunities for a "busy family" to slow down and spend time together as they worship, play, talk, eat, retreat, and serve as one unit. Effective family ministry can teach a family how to properly deal with their stresses and struggles. The church must begin to educate, strengthen and support all aspects of the family and thus strengthen the communities in which we live.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 3: "Families and Culture")

Chapter three is broken down into two major sections: a definition and working example of what "culture" means in today's world and an example of one specific culture in today's world: Afro-American culture. This chapter really opened my eyes to several things.

The definition of culture is different for every person. Culture is totally based on each individual's background, upbringing, and family history. The definitions for terms such as home, family, and community depend solely on a person's culture, and they will vary from person to person depending on their experiences in life. It is critical that church leaders and ministers understand this when working with people from different cultures and communities.

Culture is defined by the author as "the core values of those who share an identity with a place, a religion or membership in an ethnic or class group." A person's culture is defined by their "place, religion, ethnicity, and class" in their society. A person's culture helps determine what is important and what is valuable to their family.

Each person's concept of time, patterns of living, core values, spiritual beliefs, and many other things are totally dependent on their specific culture. Understanding these basic concepts helps one understand the many problems we experience in society today as we try to force our culture on those around us, even though they come from a totally different culture. This also causes several problems in the church today.

The second half of chapter three gave a brief history of African-American culture. I am a white American, who was raised in a white community. I was educated in a white school and I have spent 30 years in a predominantly white church. This specific example of the differences in white culture compared that of the African-American culture and how these differences relate to needed approaches in ministry was very insightful and valuable to me.

When one takes the time to study another person's background, history of upbringing, and family of origin and culture, they can begin to relate to the needs of that person. Until one has done this, they can not expect to relate to or reach out to anyone that has come from a different culture.

I have always wondered why my home congregation has struggled to reach the African-American community in my town. It seems we have so much to offer people from any background. The fact is, most of our struggles to relate to African-American people in our area come from a lack of effort on our part to take the time to understand their culture and background. Because of this, we cannot even begin to reach them and provide what they need most for their families.

I am providing the information found in the second half of chapter three to all of my elders and ministers. I highly recommend they read and study the brief summary of differences between us and one specific type of people we have struggled to reach over the years. This will help us in the near future as we hope to begin to reach out and minister to several different types of people in our community who come from several different backgrounds and cultures.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

Section Two: The Processes of Family Life

(Chapter 4 - "Stages and Phases of Family Life")

Chapter 4 describes the many different phases a family must go through during the course of it's lifespan. There are many different opinions as to how many different stages a family will go through, but for time's sake, I will only discuss the author's opinion in regard to these family stages.

Change is imminent. It will happen and it will affect the family. These changes occur in every different stage of life each person enters. Their ability to respond to and effectively deal with these changes depends on many things. The church has a great opportunity to help the family through these stages.

Society, along with the church, has the tendency to define family in the "nuclear" sense: that is, married couples with children, even though it is very common in today's society for families not to exist in this manner. Cohabitation is on the rise. Divorce occurs in 47% of all first marriages, resulting in a total restructuring of the family. If the church wants to grow and reach out to families, it must learn to step outside it's traditional role and help families that are not defined by it's previously accepted definition.

Families will go through at least 5 stages of family life development. The stages are as follows: courtship, formation, partnership, consolidation, and transformation. Courtship is not defined the way we traditionally consider courtship. It is not limited to "dating," but rather refers to what a family experiences as it makes decisions about future family relationships. This can take place in families when couples are considering adoption or pregnancy and the changes that will occur in the family because of the change. Courting also takes place in extended families between stepparents, stepchildren, and in-laws as they learn to love and accept one another. Courtship is a time of contractual relationship - "I will do this for you if you do this for me." People are learning to adjust to and trust one another.

The formation stage involves moving out of a contract relationship and into a covenant relationship. In a covenant relationship, there are no "if" clauses. It involves unconditional love. This process takes time. According to the author, individual members of the family must develop a sense of intimacy, a sense of entitlement, and a sense of belonging with one another before this can happen. They must know, "If I mess up and do something I shouldn't do, I know I will still be accepted as a part of this family."

Partnership is the next stage of family development. It is the result of coming together in the formation stage. In the partnership stage, the family members learn to work together in relation to whatever stage of life they are going through. Parents and children learn to work together even though the parents exercise more power and authority than the children. Communication is one of the most important qualities that are exercised in the partnership phase. Family members learn to talk, listen, and reach mutual understanding in order to work together as a team and family unit.

The consolidation phase of life is occurs when closure takes place in a family relationship. This may occur when a person retires, experiences a terminal illness, or when a spouse or family member of many years dies. When the family's boundaries change, they must learn to adapt and function in a whole new way.

The final stage mentioned involves transformation. During the transformation phase, a family member has experienced a loss, such as the loss of a lifelong marriage partner, and what remains no longer feels like a "family" to them. During transformation, a person must begin to develop new relationships and skills that will help develop a new "family" for them. This may happen with grown children who once again become a daily participant in their parent's life or it may be a group of friends or church family that help a person through the transformation phase.

The thing that helped me the most in chapter 4 was the fact that each stage of family development contained a section entitled: "How family ministry can help." It listed different ways the church can help assist families as they go through the various stages that have been mentioned.

The main way the church can help in throughout these stages seems clear. There are two main ways family life ministry can support the family: educate them and provide meaningful opportunities for them to learn to function together as a family. This can happen through classes, seminars, specific worship opportunities and different types of fellowship.

The following list contains ideas the church can use to help its families: develop house churches and home cell groups that keep the family together during worship, teach them to function together in leadership roles, and give them the support of other families in their group. Provide educational classes that help the family understand what phase of life they are experiencing and teach them how they can effectively get through it together. Provide classes that teach the difference in contract and covenant relationships and over time, lead the family into a covenant with one another. Provide classes that teach the family members how to effectively communicate and work through problems together. Finally, provide retreats and activities that put the family together in different environments that will strengthen their bonds and teach them how to function better as a family.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 5 - "The Processes of Family Development")

Chapter 5 deals with four basic concepts involving the family: Attachment, Communication, Anger, and Intimacy. Each of these are manifested in one way or another when dealing with family members and friends. This chapter talks a lot about the differences in the ways these things play out between friends and family members.

Attachment helps reveal the difference in friend and family relationships. While friends may be extremely close, they usually do not experience the same level of attachment family members do. Attachment involves the feelings of stress one feels when he or she is separated from family members for long periods of time. It also involves the feelings of comfort a family member provides to another family member that simply cannot be provided by someone who isn't a part of their family. It can also describe the comfort only a family member can provide during times of loss or stress.

When family members are not able to experience these felt needs of attachment, obvious anxiety and stress is created. Those individuals that experience a breakdown in the family due to divorce, infidelity, neglect or abuse may really struggle with feelings of attachment. For example, the author suggests that neglected children have a hard time developing secure attachments, and this may continue into their adult relationships. They may develop feelings of resentment or jealousy over the displays of love and affection other family members share with one another. This can lead to several problems. Also, many couples that experience a divorce do not realize until after the divorce just how attached they were to their partner. The feelings of loss may be extremely difficult to adjust to.

Communication is such a critical aspect of any relationship. The ability to learn to communicate effectively may be the most important skill for a family to learn. There are many different ways families learn to communicate with one another, some are more effective than others. Some families are very compatible and they deal with their differences calmly and openly. Some families are very argumentative and deal with their differences by yelling and fighting until the solution is reached. Still yet, others avoid conflict at all costs and respond to differences by pulling away and spending time alone until they cool off. The church can play a vital role in teaching families the importance of and the different kinds of effective communication skills.

When problems arise in communication, anger is often the result. Anger is displayed in many different ways, some of which are constructive and some are destructive. Constructive forms of anger can be displayed through venting, withdrawal, and reporting. Destructive forms of anger can be displayed through yelling, physical abuse, physical and mental withdrawal, and contempt for family members.

The church can play a very vital role in teaching family members how to effectively deal with anger.

Intimacy is something that is often confused as being sexual in nature. There is much more to it than that. Intimacy involves the intense bonding that occurs between those who are truly vulnerable with each other.

This can occur between parents, lovers, siblings, parents and children, etc. Intimacy may be the result of taking care of someone, and feeding, changing diapers, talking, sharing dreams, and having sexual experiences together. Intimacy in a relationship is critical. It is the result of trust that is developed when a person lays their fears on the line: fears about their looks, personality, dreams, and behaviors.

According to the author, the "processes of attachment, communication, conflict, and intimacy affect every person in a congregation and every family in a community. They involve not only learning skills but learning why these skills are important to Christians, how they help us live faithfully and lovingly as witnesses of God's love."

Once again, the most valuable part of this chapter came at the end when the author made several suggestions as to how the church can help do it's part to be a support to the family in regard to attachment, communication, dealing with anger, and intimacy. I will list a few of the suggestions she mentioned here for the benefit of the elders and ministers who will read this:

· Teach and preach about these processes and how we need to learn to deal with them effectively if we are going to be disciples of Jesus Christ.

· Provide rituals and services that strengthen and symbolize the attachment between family members. For instance, dedicating small children to a circle of the family's friends as a "faith-family" who are included in what is needed in order to raise a faithful child in today's world. Challenge the family's friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles to take responsibility and an active role in the spiritual development of the child or new Christian.

· Plan effectively to aid the family that is limited in its time together. If you have families who are rarely together due to a father who works out of town during the week or because the family has two working parents, you can provide classes and worship experiences they can enjoy together. Encourage families to attend classes together and to sit by each other during worship. The leadership will have to do its part to provide the classes and the worship experiences that meet the needs of the different ages involved.

· Plan effectively to aid the family that is together a lot of the time. If you have families that work at home or homeschool their children, you can provide weekends and activities that provide Christian peer friendships and relationships and at the same time give them a healthy break from each other.

· Recognize the long term loss involved when a family member looses somewhere they were attached to. Provide special services during holiday seasons that deal with grief recovery and send cards or make phone calls on key days such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

· Provide counseling either by professionals/minister in your church or through developing a trusted referral program in your community. This is a must for all churches!

· Teach by example. Model needed family behaviors through the lives of your leadership in your personal lives and in your church lives. Don't ask your church family to do things you are not willing to do yourself!

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 6 - "Power in Family Life")

Chapter six describes the differences in the roles of husband and wives, as defined in Biblical contexts and in context of what is happening in today's culture. It was very interesting to read the many different opinions that have developed over the years, concerning what God's true intent was and is for the role of husbands and wives.

There is great deal of conflict over what people think God intended for men and women in the marriage relationship. That is evident by the many different kinds of marriages today. Going all the way back to the very beginning of time (Genesis 1), the author shows the arguments people use to prove that God intended for men to be the leaders of the marriage relationship, suggesting a "chain of command." The interesting this is, she also uses the same chapter (Genesis 1) to show how others believe God is trying to establish an equal, egalitarian type of relationship between the man and the woman.

M.F. Stitzinger suggests that Genesis 1 shows at least 8 ways God wants a clearly defined chain of command in marriage with the husband at the head. He notes that man was born first. He was named to describe all mankind. He was given positions of leadership before Eve was even created. He named all of the animals showing his authority over all other forms of life. He needed a "helper" which indicates a less significant role for the woman. He helped name Eve, showing his rule over her. He is asked to leave his father and mother which indicates his need to take the initiative in the relationship. Finally, he is clearly the spokesperson for the relationship when God addresses them in the Garden after their sin.

In direct opposition to this, the author points out several places in Genesis 1 that paint a totally different picture for the roles of husbands and wives. Genesis one says that God creates "them" and blesses "them." He gives dominion to "them" and names "them." She suggests the term "helper" is translated accurately as "his partner" and not as his "assistant or subordinate." She suggests that "man needed a soul mate and not a servant." It is obvious that the animals could not provide the relationship that man needed. That is why God chose to form woman from the man's rib, in order to show their partnership and the fact that man was incomplete until God created her.

The bulk of chapter six describes the roles of husbands and wives as described in the New Testament. This is to show how the relationship evolved and changed throughout the course of scripture and how it continues to change to this day. The relationship between husbands and wives has always been influenced by society and culture.

You even find differing opinions about the marriage relationship is scripture. Paul had obvious opinions about marriage. He felt a person was stronger and a better servant for the Lord if they remained unmarried. He even influenced those is his day to remain unmarried because they felt it was their duty to God. However, other writers in the New Testament disagreed with Paul's point of view and claimed that God supported marriage and intended for this relationship to exist from the very beginning.

Chapter six closes with a description of the power struggles in marriages today and suggestions for how the church can assist others in their marriage relationships.

There are basically two types of marriages today: traditional and egalitarian. The traditional marriage exists when the man is the person with the majority of the power. He controls almost every aspect of the marriage: finances, decisions, etc. His role is the bread winner. The wife's role basically involves caring for the home and the children.

The egalitarian marriage exists as a companionship and both the husband and wife share responsibilities and power. They usually both work outside the home. They both contribute to the financial status of the family. They share household chores and responsibilities with the children. This type of marriage relationship has evolved over time and has become much more common in the past 20 years.

Most marriages are combinations of the two different types and usually lean more one way than the other. For instance, a relationship may be 70% traditional and 30% egalitarian. It is rare today to find a marriage that exists only in one form, but it does still happen.

Both styles of marriage can be healthy and both can be pleasing to God. However, there are several things to keep in mind. The author reminds us that "husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ demonstrated his love for his people. They are not to put themselves first but their wives first. Wives are to be honored by their husbands as coheirs of God's grace and therefore equals. The principle that is to govern the marriage relationship of those in Christ is therefore to be mutuality and partnership under the lordship of Christ."

Knowing the different opinions regarding the roles for men and women in today's culture is critical for church leaders. They must be able to recognize that many different opinions and lifestyles are represented in their church. Therefore, different classes and opportunities to assist the family must be provided. One specific thing cannot be taught. One specific approach will not work for everyone. Many different things must be offered.

The author suggests the following things in order for church leaders to assist their families:

· Provide classes and sermons that give families a biblical background for the differing roles that should exist in marriage. You must provide the history and cultural context for the ways power and submission have been demonstrated in Christian marriages in the past. Make relative applications to how things have changed in today's culture but also how some things need to stay the same in order to follow God's intended purposes for marriages and families.

· Your church body must model healthy marriage relationships; especially ones that promote husbands and wives sharing responsibilities in marriages today. We must teach families how to help each other with the work load, stress load, family load, and not display positions of power and chain of command over each other. You must teach the concepts of partnership and equal responsibility to all family members.

· Teach families how to reach out beyond their relationships to help others in their community. Provide programs that help them live out these purposes. Be a living model and example for others.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 7 - "Family Identity")

In chapter seven, the author points out how important a family's "identity" is to them. This involves many things such as name, background, family history, and the sharing of family stories. All of these things help indicate who a person is, where they've come from and what may be expected of them as a result.

Families have many different rituals they go through. Rituals involve the way they do things everyday. Some of them are simple, such as meals together, while others are difficult, like agreeing on a television program to watch or deciding who gets control of the remote.

The majority of chapter seven deals with the importance of "family stories." Stories are critical parts of family life that help identify who the family really is. There are many different kinds of family stories.

There are humorous stories and all families have them. They may be memories of family vacations, meals together, birthdays, holidays, or family reunions. These special memories help families remember how valuable the family relationships are, and they teach us how to laugh and enjoy other people.

There are also stories that include family history and family heroes. They remind family members where they came from and how to endure through difficult times. They are often inspiring and they teach valuable lessons to family members that wouldn't mean the same if they were learned anywhere else.

Finally, there are cautionary and hardship tales. These stories are memories of "lessons learned the hard way" and they teach family members to go about things in a much better way. Older family members often tell these stories to younger family members over and over again in hopes of saving them pain and in order to let them know that families do not exist without hard work.

The last half of the chapter talks about the importance of family traditions. Some families have a lot of traditions and others have very few. These traditions involve meals, watching television, sharing recreation, sharing work, family holidays, and family vacations.

The author suggests it is very critical for families to develop traditions together. It is an important part of life, especially for children who are learning how to plan for their future family by watching what happens in their family. You must develop realistic plans and rules for your different family traditions and stress the importance of the whole family coming together for various events. Eating, sleeping, working, playing, watching, sharing, and talking together are critical parts of life that help a family grow closer to one another. They also teach everyone how to relate to others in life.

Once again, the best part of the chapter was the closing section that discusses ways the local church can help the family tell their stories and develop their traditions. According to the author, here are several ways for the church to assist the family:

· Recognize the importance of rituals in the life of a congregation and its families. "The order of worship, who leads it, the kinds of songs, the involvement of all kinds and ages of members, how we greet one another, and who sits where" are very important ways for the church to help the family determine who they are and how they are related to one another.

· Develop special services that tell about the congregation's history. This can happen on anniversaries or other special days throughout the year. Display pictures, old bulletins or newspaper articles about the congregation from years past and allow different members to get up front and share different stories about people or special moments from the congregation's past.

· Provides ways for families to make church activities a part of their family's rituals and traditions. This can be done through weekly meals, special breakfasts, retreats, Christmas caroling, or special services in which the family leads and participates in worship as a family.

· Find ways to bring new families into your congregation through rituals. This can be families that just moved to the area or families that have changed their origin through adoption, divorce, death, etc. It is very important to allow all types of families to be involved in class, worship, etc. They need to tell their stories in order to find out who they are and in order to help others who may have been through or who may be headed for the same type of struggles.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE WE NEED TO BE DOING AT WEST-ARK TO ENCOURAGE AND INVOLVE ENTIRE FAMILIES IN CLASS, WORSHIP, AND SPECIAL ACTIVITIES TOGETHER.

IF WE DON'T TEACH THEM AND LEAD THEM, THEY MAY NEVER REALIZE JUST HOW IMORTANT THESE THINGS ARE FOR THE DEVELOPMENT AND SPIRITUAL GROWTH OF THEIR FAMILY.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 8 - "The Characteristics of Strong Families")

Chapter eight shares information gathered from a study involving what helps make families strong. The specific group studied involved "middle class Euro-American nuclear families." This is good research information for me to know since West-Ark is made up primarily of this same class of people.

This chapter shares 9 things that seem to provide what is needed to form strong families. We need to make it common practice to teach and share these concepts to all of our families in our church:

1. Commitment to one another and sense of connectedness- this is the whole basis for family strength. Strong families put their commitment to one another into action and this requires not only time but also the energy needed to make family life a major priority.

2. Adequate time together, which is spent effectively in meeting family needs, working together and enjoying recreation- Strong families take the time to eat together on a regular basis, work on chores together, spend time in outdoor recreation with one another, worship together on a weekly basis, and they celebrate special events regularly.

3. Effective communication and conflict management- Strong families learn to communicate in many different ways. They learn to argue effectively, listen to each other, and they know how to tease and laugh with one another in ways that are not hurtful.

4. Sufficient expression of appreciation and encouragement- Strong families like each other and they are not afraid to show their feelings to one another physically and verbally.

5. Agreement on and competence in the fulfillment of the roles and responsibilities of family life- families that expect to be strong seem to have clearly defined roles and expectations from the rest of the family. They are confident about the role each person plays and they respect each role.

6. Shared spiritual life that gives meaning and purpose- Strong families have learned that one of the most effective ways to deal with stress involves commitment to and involvement in religious groups and activities. Shared religious values has been clearly defined as one of the most significant factors in determining whether or not a family will be bonded together through time and conflict.

7. Involvement in, support from and contribution to their community and larger world- Families are strengthened through healthy relationships with those outside the family. They need a larger network outside of the immediate family from which they gain care, love and support. Having an influence in society is key to family strength. The family can believe in family life in great depth, but if it does not influence society to likewise give support to the importance of the family, it will not accomplish very much.

8. Positive family identity and shared life story- As mentioned in an earlier chapter, strong families develop specific rituals and constantly reaffirm their commitment to one another. One of the best ways for a family to do this is to share family past, memories and stories that remind everyone of who they are and where they have come from.

9. Ability to cope with crises and developmental changes- Strong families learn to make it through their difficulties together. They know that strength is not found in avoiding conflict, but is many times found by enduring through conflict. They learn to grow from their adversities and become stronger as a result of them.

In closing, the one thing that stood out to me as a Youth Minister of 11 years was the section that discussed what makes families strong through the different stages of family life. The author discussed characteristics of strong families at the couple stage, preschool stage, adolescent stage, and empty nest stage.

I would like to share the findings for what has been proven to strengthen families that are going through the adolescent and launching stage. This stage in family life was defined as "the time of greatest vulnerability" a family will experience. Strong families in this stage are characterized by "loyalty, pride in the family, faith in God, a sense of needing to gain control over what happens in the family, and having similar values and beliefs."

These families make it a priority to establish regular routines and they share meals together, establish a recognized form of discipline, allow parents to make time for one another, and they all participate in family chores and responsibilities.

Today's busy lifestyles have birthed families in which both parents work, children are often home alone for 2-3 hours a day, and kid's extracurricular activities dominate the rest of the time that's left. It's easy to see how "off track" we have become and where we've gone wrong. We must return to what works and what we know will strengthen the family, whatever the cost!

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

Section Three - A History of Families & the Church

(Chapter 9 - "A Socioeconomic History of the American Family")

Chapter nine was really interesting as it laid out a brief history of how the origin of the family has changed over the years. The specific elements of change discussed in this chapter included social and economic factors.

It's very easy to think that families have always existed as they do now. A person's perspective and opinion is clearly influenced by their level of experience in life. However, it is clear that concepts and practices regarding the family have gone through major changes in the past.

Families were originally large groups of people that often included those who were and who were not biologically tied to one another. For example, early families consisted of parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces, slaves, helpers, etc.

Entire groups of people lived and worked together. It was very common for entire households to be involved in the work load each day, and this work primarily focused on things where the family lived. Basic sources of income came from farming. People worked with animals and they worked with the land.

This lifestyle influenced everything in society, including mealtimes and times for worship services. The two most important meals of the day were breakfast and dinner. Families would get up before sunrise to milk cows, feed animals, and gather eggs. A big breakfast was served in the mid-morning after the chores were done. Then a large meal was served in the early afternoon 3:00-4:00 p.m. before the evening chores began. The famous 11:00 a.m. church service also originated because families needed the extra time in the morning to finish their work on the farm.

It was not until the 20^th century and the increase of economic freedom that families began to gain individual freedom and seek privacy from one another. Family units began to get smaller and break apart from one another. The home became a place for immediate family members. Concepts regarding the family changed in society. Society began to believe it needed to provide work for fathers who could raise enough money on his own to support his family.

With these industrial changes came changes in the family. Families could afford to live together in smaller units. They began to purchase their own private homes and mothers began to stay home with their children as the father became the "breadwinner" for the family. This had a great impact on many things in the family.

However, time continues to change things and now we have made a shift back to the concept that many family members contribute to the economic status of the family. Economic stress in the last 30 years has encouraged both mothers and fathers to seek employment. Since both parents are working again, the family dynamic has changed once again.

Families are too busy to eat breakfast together and they are rarely available for lunch due to all of their different schedules. Children are sent to public schools since mom is not home and mom and dad are at work. Thus, the main meal of the day for the family has become the evening meal and families are rarely able to eat together until 6 or 7 p.m. because of work schedules.

We have seen many shifts in family life, especially in American culture. Before the industrial revolution, children were schooled at home. Family members did chores together, they ate their meals together, and they spent time outdoors with neighbors. American homes were built with front porches and family members spent a majority of their time talking, swinging, and playing together in this environment.

Now, increases in technology and financial stability have produced television, heat and air, washing machines, etc. We have become very private in our families as we try to escape the outside world that we often associate with work. We rarely even talk to our neighbors. We rarely have time to even eat with our own family members. Frozen foods, microwaves, and fast food restaurants have given rise to the ability for everyone, even children, to provide for themselves.

Time changes many things, even the family. The family will continue to change in the years ahead. Current trends predict more working moms and dads than ever before. Divorce does not financially devastate the female the way it used to because often times, she is already working and can provide for herself. Families are also deciding to have fewer children as they are seen as economic liabilities. Families are getting smaller and smaller. This will have great impact on the future of society and the future of the church. The church must be willing to adapt to these changes and provide support and encouragement to the families that will continue to evolve and adapt to changes in their financial status and society.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 10 - "The Church's Influence on Family Life")

The last chapter of section three talks about the different ways the church has influenced the family and a few of the ways the family has influenced the church. It is obvious from history that many early Christians believed the church to be "their true family." Brothers and sisters in Christ were often deemed more important than immediate family members. This affected early family life in many ways and in some cases it even threatened it.

There were several opinions regarding the church family versus the nuclear family in the early days, and many of those opinions revolved around marriage. I'll share a few of these thoughts as they played an important part in influencing society's concept of the family.

Marriage was viewed by many as something God created for the "weaker" Christian. It was only necessary to keep oneself from destruction that is caused by lust, sex, and selfishness. Many people believed in virginity and celibacy for all believers. Those who could not control themselves would get married, but if they did they were clearly weaker members of Christ's body.

In addition to this, many also believed that even after marriage, God expected the couple to remain celibate with the exception of conception. Sex "just for the sake of desire or pleasure" still represented weakness and was considered sinful. "Some warned that a plague would fall on children begotten during uncontrolled marital sexual activity." It is easy to see how this belief throughout the church affected the family during this time. Just imagine the embarrassment and shame a couple would feel when they gave birth to children with any type of defect or medical problem.

However, others viewed marriage and the family in complete opposition to this. In fact, Calvin believed to marry was better than remaining single because it led to deeper holiness. He was "suspicious of celibacy" and he considered it "morally suspect and a path to unhappiness and sin." He believed the marriage relationship and the sexual relationship in the context of marriage was a healthy way to express feelings for each other and believed it increased a couple's love for each other. With contrasting views like these, it's easy to see how the family would have been influenced and affected by the beliefs set forth by the early church.

In the twentieth century, the church has referred to the family as the "domestic church." The U.S. Catholic bishops proclaim, "A family is our first community and most basic way in which the Lord gathers us, forms us and acts in this world." Many believe the family is a smaller version of the church and teaches us how the church should function. They believe that is why God made so many parallels in scripture to Christ, the church, and the marriage relationship.

One thing is for certain: what happens in the church can affect the family, but what happens in the family today DEFINITELY affects the church. The church and the family are tied together in many ways. Just consider the largest Family Ministry in the United States today: Focus on the Family, created by

Dr. James Dobson. "His television and radio broadcasts have a weekly audience of 28 million people." One of his video series has been seen by more than 70 million people. He has also authored several books on parenting and raising children in today's society and he has sold more than 16 million copies of them.

It is clear to see that family is not only important to the church but to society in general today. Many people who do not profess faith in God still listen to and read from the thoughts of today's foremost "family specialists."

We need to realize that the church can and does have a very powerful impact on the family today. It impacts not only its own members but also the members of the society in which it operates.

I found one particular paragraph extremely interesting in chapter ten. It suggests that maybe the church should allow the family to have more of an influence on it. Wendy Wright suggests what churches might be like if they modeled themselves more closely after effective families. Consider her words in the following statement:

"This way of viewing the family as domestic church could have profound consequences for the larger gathered Church if the wider body truly began to learn from families what it means to be Christian community. Perhaps church as "the professionals doing for the non-professionals" or church as "committees that direct programs," or church as "fix-it shop for crises" or church as "social club" might give way to a renewed vision of Christian community."

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

Section Four: Biblical Foundations for Family Ministry Today

(Chapter 11 - "Biblical Definitions of Family")

I have decided to use several different quotes from chapter eleven in my summary. This chapter really challenged my understanding of what I've always "thought" the Bible taught regarding the family. What I found was that my culture has really "slanted" my view and interpretation of certain scriptures concerning the family. I challenge my elders, fellow staff members, and anyone else who reads this summary to take a fresh look at what the Bible really teaches about the role of the family. They just may see something they've never seen before, just as I did.

Two key terms jumped out at me when I read this chapter which focuses on the biblical definition for family: adoption and community. First of all, the importance of adoption in scripture is emphasized much more than we think, and this begins with Jesus. How could he possibly be the son of David? Wasn't his father Joseph? Joseph was Jesus father only by means of adoption. It was not because of Joseph's physical seed, but rather by the adoption of God into the family of Mary and Joseph. Jesus had no "biological" father and through his lineage, "family now means adoption, not simply a biological relationship."

Whether we chose to ignore it or recognize it, Jesus had some problems during his earthly relationship with his parents, especially with his mother. This was evident on several occasions. Consider the trouble between Jesus and his mother when he stayed behind in the temple at age twelve. There's also the time at the dinner party at Cana when Mary pushed Jesus to do something about the wine shortage. Finally, in Matthew 12, Mary wanted to speak with Jesus when he was with a group of people and Jesus replied "who is my mother and who are my brothers... then pointing to his disciples he said, here are my mother and my brothers." In every instance when the problems arose with Jesus' immediate family, he wasn't denying his relationship with them, but was trying to teach his followers one major point: "our first loyalty is to God, above all else."

"Sometimes following Jesus requires physical separation or emotional distance from our families. We must be willing to leave our families, Jesus said in his teachings, to follow him (Matt. 4:22; 8:21-22). Nevertheless, when we follow God's call, whoever does the will of God becomes our brother and sister and mother." Jesus words "were spoken out of his recognition that there is One who claims more loyalty and deference even than his mother. He is not defiant but rather is showing who has his ultimate allegiance."

That is why the concept of community is so important in the church. We have mistakenly placed the sole responsibility of raising children on the immediate family when God designed for children to be raised by a larger community: the church. Perhaps this is hard for you to read and believe, just as it was hard for Jesus followers to hear because of how high the immediate family and family loyalty were regarded in his culture.

When Jesus said that his disciples where his mother and brothers, he wasn't ignoring his immediate family nor their responsibilities but rather was teaching about the importance of the relationship and role our brothers and sisters of faith are supposed to play in our lives. The church of today needs to recognize the sense of community God has intended for us. We are a family and this relationship is based on a sense of mutual commitment. Again, this new family that each baptized believer is promised is not biological but is based on adoption.

Just consider the Ethiopian Eunich. "He lacked family and hope for the future. He was not even allowed to participate in worship in the temple (Deut. 23:1)." Through his new found family in Christ, he was made equal to everyone else. "Jesus' point was that all persons who put their faith in him are acceptable and wanted in his new family." "The church must follow Christ by ensuring that no one in the family of faith is familyless-that everyone is adopted into the family."

Jesus obviously loved his immediate family. That is evident by his concerns for his mother even when he was suffering on the cross. Yet, even though Jesus maintained good family relationships to the end of his life, he also stressed the importance of intimate relationships within his family of faith. Just consider his close relationship with some of the disciples and his relationship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus. They were special to Jesus, and they talked very openly and boldly with one another. Both Mary and Martha plainly told Jesus, "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." Jesus was so touched by their sorrow that he cried with them.

I will close with the following thoughts expressed at the end of chapter eleven:

"The highly troubling account of Ezra's restoration of the purity of God's people by commanding them to put away their foreign wives and children (Ezra 9-10) speaks powerfully and painfully of our first loyalty to God, above all else. Imagery of family is important in the Bible, but it points us to the family composed by God, not by human alliances or even biological relationships. Jesus' hard sayings about family point out that there are times when following the will of God means leaving family behind, just as he called the disciples away from their families. Sometimes this even meant severing family ties (Matt 10:34-37;

Luke 11:57-62; Luke 14:26) and replacing them with a new family in God's kingdom."

"Our church culture has flipped the understanding of the early Christians. Instead of honoring singleness and denigrating marriage as a second-best choice, we honor marriage and treat singles as though they were second-class citizens in the church, a population group to be ministered to rather than key figures in the community."

"There is a difference between a community of faith and a family." Within the walls of a large congregation, "there needs to be intimate family relationships, just as Jesus had with his disciples and friends. At the same time, families need to be embedded in these larger communities that support and share in the responsibilities of family care. Jesus' own childhood gives ample illustrations of the importance of such a community."

This chapter has given birth to many concepts that I need to think and pray a lot about.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 12 - "Biblical Roles for the Family")

Chapter twelve begins by defining the two roles that are supposed to be played by the family according to the teachings of Christ: 1) Families are to be the medium through which Christ's ministry takes place. 2) Families help paint accurate pictures of who God is to the rest of the world.

This chapter revisits the concept of leaving home and forsaking the family for the sake of Christ. However, it gives a different twist as it suggests that not everyone is expected or called to leave their home in order to follow God. Some will be asked to leave family and community behind but some will be expected to spend most of their lives in the same community they grew up in, influencing those they already know. The bottom line Jesus is concerned with is LOYALTY. Whenever and wherever God calls you to follow, remain loyal to Him above all others. Some may have to leave their families behind for His sake and His ministry while others may remain with their biological families, but loyalty to God is expected in either situation.

As Biblical roles for the family were discussed in this chapter, two key terms stood out: Household and Covenant. The term household is totally defined by its context in culture. Household during Jesus' day meant a group of 50-100 people who networked their lives through work and everything else they did. It included immediate family, extended family, and slaves. Household in the 21^st century white America usually means the immediate family consisting of 2-5 people. The man is expected to work and provide the majority of the income for the rest of the family.

The concepts involving the Biblical description for "household" teach us 3 main things that should continue to be demonstrated by families today:

1) The Role of Adoption- Giving birth to a son was very important in 1^st century culture because this heir meant the survival of the family. If no son was born into the family, the head of the household could choose to adopt a son and make him an heir. This child, though not an heir through biological blood, still received full benefits and privileges as an heir of the family. God took this concept to an even deeper level when he gave birth to the practice of spiritual adoption. We receive all of the spiritual benefits God has to offer even though we have been adopted into his family.

2) The Place for Slaves and Freed Slaves- Slaves often had it better than freed slaves because they

received all the benefits of living with the master. However, freed slaves also had a choice. Once

they had been set free, they could choose to remain in their master's house. It was a very common

practice for freed slaves to remain faithful and loyal to their master even after they had been set free.

This should speak strongly to us today as we were all once slaves to sin. Having been set free, we

should gladly and willingly remain loyal and faithful to the one who has set us free. We should choose

to dwell in His house and receive his blessings even though we could choose to do otherwise.

3) Shared religion- Each household was defined by a shared interest in one common religion. This bond

was very strong and it set them apart from other households who worshipped other gods. "Worship

took place primarily within the household." That is why we read of the conversion and baptism of

entire households like Cornelius, Lydia, the Philippian jailer, Crispus and Stephanus.

Therefore, families today should realize the importance of sharing the same religious beliefs. They should also place a lot of emphasis on worship together as a family both in and out of the home. Worship should be a daily experience that is taught and expressed commonly by all family members.

The second term that stood out was "Covenant." The difference in families in the Bible and families today is often the difference in the terms covenant and contract. Families in Jesus' day operated through covenant relationships. Families today often operate through contract relationships.

A covenant is "a pact or agreement that binds two parties together with rights and responsibilities on both sides." It is obvious that God seeks a covenant relationship with us. Covenants are the result of

"loving, faithful relationships. They endure. They cost and require giving rather than getting. They involve freedom and responsibility. They are defined by the participants, not by the expectations of others. They are intentional and have purpose." Covenant relationships existed between Naomi and Ruth, David and Jonathan, Hosea and Gomer, and God and Israel.

Contract relationships are very different. Contracts suggest, "I have made a deal with you, therefore you owe me. You must keep your end of the deal. I have certain rights in this relationship. If I do this for you, you will do this for me." Perhaps that is the problem with marriages today. We consider marriage a contract instead of a covenant. We even define marriage by "licenses and contracts" but rarely ever by covenants.

Since this chapter has focused on how these Biblical roles for the family should relate to families today, it's important to point out the following:

*There is a big difference in "expecting that God will be with us" and "feeling that God owes us." That is the difference between Covenant and Contract relationships.

*How different would families be today if they operated through covenants as opposed to contracts?

*God has a definite purpose for families today. "Our covenants are to be expressed not just in our private lives with one another but also in our relationships in the world around us."

The author asks a great question at the end of chapter twelve: "Are we showing an accurate picture to our world of who God is in our relationships with one another?"

That is a question the church must answer. It will, whether it realizes it or not, by the way it treats the family and by the way its families conduct their relationships privately and publicly on a daily basis.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 13 - "Biblical Words for Family Life")

Chapter 13 begins by reminding us of the many different types of families that existed in the Bible. There were "extended families, polygamous families, traditional families, couples that were separated because of work, interracial and intercultural families, families with believers and nonbelievers, families with remarriages, single-parent families, at least 3 different kinds of adoptive families, incestuous families, unrelated adults living as families, adult children living with their parents and parents-in-law, and the Christian family."

Besides the many different types of families that existed in the Bible, there were also many types of dysfunction that existed in those families. For instance, there was "blaming, lying, family violence, murder, sexual abuse, incest, infidelity, parental favoritism, sibling rivalry, dishonesty, hurt, marital contempt, and the alienation of children from their parents." The point is made from the very beginning that God has always used families that possess all kinds of dysfunction and sometimes even down right sinfulness. Ultimately, he can use your family, in spite of all of your shortcomings.

The remainder of the chapter talked about the importance of the fruits of the spirit and the ability of the family to display these fruits not only with each other but ultimately with everyone they see on a daily basis. The opposite is also true. Families should not only display the attitudes of Christ in public but should also continue their Christian living while in the privacy of their home. "Christian living takes place in bedrooms and kitchens, in the hall waiting to get into the occupied bathroom, when a family member is sick, etc. Living in families patiently, kindly, and with self-control equips us for ministry to our neighbors by the roadside."

This chapter lists the fruits the family has to bear: love, hospitality, forgiveness, procreation, celebration, grace and hope. The one that really stood out to me was the fact that families teach us many things about grace. Grace is something that is so hard for us to grasp. We don't understand it. We don't deserve it. I will close this summary by sharing three examples that display just how much the family teaches us about grace:

1) It's interesting that no one ever really marries the person they think they marry. For example, "No one ever chose to marry a person who is addicted to alcohol, or who develops a terminal illness. But sometimes you wake up in a marriage and that is the person you've got. Being a parent is like that too. Parents never get the children they thought they were giving birth to." People develop problems along the way. That is a part of life. Family life continues to teach us about love and grace. We accept those we are committed to, no matter what circumstances come with them. Sounds a little bit like God and our relationship with him, doesn't it?

2) The second thing I'd like to share is a quote from near the end of the chapter. It speaks of the commitment and dedication of a parent. "We parents also learn from our children that we can be better than we thought-we can sacrifice sleep, time, material goods, and plans for the sake of another; we can love someone unfailingly who is acting totally unlovable; we can give ourselves away for the sake of another person and then find joy returned to us a hundredfold. The experience of raising children does, in truth, confirm our Lord's promise that whoever loses his life shall find it." (Achtemeier 1987:59)

3) Finally, there was a story at the very end of the chapter that was shared symbolically as a description of the author's family. It very beautifully describes the grace that is taught through our family relationships. I will paraphrase it for you. Diana decided to begin a winter project. She would make a quilt to hang in her house. She had never made a quilt before, but how hard could it be? After all, it simply involves cutting out some shapes and piecing them together. So she began the project. After some time, she realized the quilt was going to be different than she had originally planned. She had made some little mistakes along the way that led her to add some material here and there in order to correct what she had done wrong. She finished the quilt six months later than she had planned. It had taken a lot more work than she had expected. In the end, it was very different from the original pattern she had in her mind. But it was finished and it was complete.

This story teaches us about grace. That is much the way things go in family life. You start off with big plans that seem very simple, but somewhere along the way, you run into problems and things you did not expect. You have to monitor and adjust and perhaps add or take away things you had not originally planned. It takes longer than you had expected. It is harder than you had expected. What started off as a dream has been clouded by the mistakes and sins of people you love. The pieces don't fit together the way you had planned. Compromising and patching are essential if the relationship is going to work.

If we will allow it, God can teach us great things about grace through our family relationships. This will happen in the home, in the church, and in the community. Things may not ultimately turn out the way we had planned, but they will still be beautiful and acceptable in God's eyes. May we learn to look at each other and accept each other the same way God looks at us and accepts us. May he continue to teach us about grace.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

Part Two: Leading Family Ministry

Section Five: Leading and Planning Family Ministry

(Chapter 14 - "Defining Family Ministry")

Chapter 14 was the most important chapter in my overall training process so far. It helped define what true family ministry is and what it should be, but it did much more than that. It explained how effective family ministry must be approached in order to be successful. This chapter contains critical information for the all of the elders, ministers, and volunteers who will work and support the family life ministry in their church. Because of this, I have selected several paragraphs from this chapter that I will share with my leadership in order to help them begin to plan for an effective family ministry program at West-Ark.

"Family ministry can include a wide assortment of programs and services: exercise and fitness, stress management, childcare, support groups for the variety of challenges people face, marriage enrichment, parenting classes, retirement seminars, emergency assistance for families in crisis, counseling, and on and on." Many churches have built Family Life Centers in order to provide a place for these things to happen.

"Public leaders express concern that if the foundation of a society is its families and families are crumbling, our society is in trouble." The problem intensifies when we realize that church families are not immune to the total breakdown of the family that is taking place in our society today. That is why the church is turning it's focus to family life ministry. "There has been some sense that if we can hook people with resources they perceive they need-recreation and educational programs-we can hold on to them to give them the resources we perceive they need-Christian discipling and membership in the community of faith."

A working definition of good family ministry includes any church activity that directly or indirectly "develops faith-families in the congregational community; increases the Christlikeness of the family relationships of Christians; and equips and supports Christians who use their families as a channel of ministry to others."

"Adults need to be in faith-grandparenting or faith-aunting, or faith-uncling relationships with children or younger adults…church programs can provide the context where people of all ages have interaction with one another, learn to care for one another and have the opportunity to adopt one another as a family. To the extent that a congregation provides a community for relationships to develop across the ages and family experiences of members, we are nurturing the formation of families."

The second half of chapter 14 contained the most important information I've found about family ministry. It shows the necessary steps the leadership and ministry team must take in order to provide effective family ministry for their congregation. I have chosen to share several paragraphs that contain critical information for the leaders at West-Ark. Please read them and pray about what steps we must take in the days and months ahead.

"Taking a family perspective in everything the congregation does is more difficult than planning an annual event. It means that one staff member cannot be given the assignment of Family Ministry; all church leaders must take a family ministry perspective in planning and evaluating what they do. And they must be able to think about their leadership not just of traditional families but of all the families represented in their church and community."

It is very important for a church's leadership to establish a Family Ministry Team that will work together with the family staff member and leadership on the plans for family ministry. "To be effective, the congregation needs a continuing watchdog group that is always asking, 'What about families?' The team should include persons from the various kinds of families represented in the congregation and from various age groups. The team should also include representatives from across congregational life- the staff, the education program, the worship committee, the recreational program, and so on." This clearly means that we need representatives on the family ministry team who are teens, singles, young married, divorced, step-families, parents, grandparents, etc.

"…Family ministry leaders, then, are not primarily the ones doing family ministry; instead they are the ones who remind, call to collaboration and orchestrate the leadership of others in the diversity of the church's activities and programs. The family ministry leader is the staff member or church member or committee who always raises the question "What impact does what we are doing or planning to do have on each of the kinds of families in our congregation and community?" Because of this, family ministry leaders must "have a good working knowledge of the families in the congregation and community- what kinds of families they are, what their strengths and resources are, what they are challenged and stressed by, and how they are living their faith together."

"Congregations can play a significant role in supporting, encouraging, and commissioning families for ministry." At this point, I want to share a couple of areas that were mentioned in this chapter that I feel need immediate attention at West-Ark in order for us to strengthen our families.

"An essential part of family life should be family worship and sharing of faith with one another. Simply exhorting families to do this has little effect. Churches have been instructing families in family worship for decades, but few families today have worship together. If there is to be meaningful prayer and family worship beyond saying prayers at meals and talking about faith in times of crisis, they will probably only happen when the congregation provides opportunities at church to pray and worship in family units. Families can be guided in doing this together and given resources to help them continue what they have learned." We must get beyond the routine nature of our worship service and allow whole families to participate in leading and serving together. We also need to plan entire services that focus on family togetherness in worship: sitting together, praying together, serving together, etc. If we don't lead them by example, research shows they will probably never start it on their own when they are at home.

I found one quote in this chapter especially helpful when considering our weekly worship routine: "Whenever possible, it is better to lean toward the informal, the participatory and the relational rather than the formal, the performance, and the outcome-focused."

Another one of the most important activities that can occur in order to strengthen families involves all of the family members studying the Bible together in a Bible class setting. "A cross-generational Sunday school can welcome parents to study the Bible with other parents while they rock and play with their children." Older children and teens and their families will also benefit from studying together and discussing scripture and how it relates to their relationships and daily life with one another.

Finally, another way to provide strength to the family is through home groups. The author makes an interesting comment about her experiences with home groups: "If the church is starting home groups for worship or study, then families participating in the home group should not be expected to also participate in all the regular programs at the "big" church." There are losses in this direction, but the advantages for what the family will gain through these experiences together are more significant than what is given up.

In closing, I'd like to share several short quotes I found extremely insightful in chapter 14:

"The families of the New Testament were called to open their homes in hospitality to the community of faith and to strangers and to teach the good news to others." (Romans 12:13)

"Ministry does not take place only through planned projects. It takes place as the saints walk through life sensitive to the needs of others and ready to respond."

"Family ministry involves programs but is much more than programs…when keeping the program going has become the purpose, it is time to reevaluate."

"Church leaders need to bring everyone along, not just make the "right" decision. The process of decision making needs to be inclusive and, whenever possible, consensual."

"The church needs to provide activities where families do not have to choose either family time or church, but instead can experience church as a family."

"Everything the church does touches the family in one way or another. Therefore, leaders should review every aspect of congregational life to determine its impact on and support of families.

"The ultimate focus of family ministry is the support of families in their ministry with one another and in their community…family ministry equips, encourages, and supports Christians to use their families as channels of ministry to others.”

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 15 - "Assessing Congregation and Community")

Chapter 15 begins by suggesting that since church leaders (ministers and elders) usually live in nuclear families, they have a tendency to see the world through their own experiences and they don't always look for other kinds of family conditions in the church. Due to this, they spend little time worrying about family ministry because their family situations seem to be fine, thus all families must be doing alright. As long as "something" is occasionally being done for families, church leaders usually feel that "something" is better than "nothing" and therefore it is "enough."

However, the author suggests that every congregation considering family ministry to any degree should take the time to prepare properly and do things right. Adequate preparation for beginning an effective family ministry begins with developing a family ministry team and selecting the proper family assessment for your church.

The majority of chapter 15 talks about the necessary steps a ministry team should take to assess the needs of it's congregation and it's community. I will focus mainly on the steps necessary for assessing the congregation since that's I where I plan to begin with our family ministry at West-Ark. I feel we must first assess and establish the needs of our own people and allow effective healing to take place before we are ready to reach out to the community. By improving our families, we will begin improving our community.

As talked about in the last chapter, the first step in properly assessing the needs of your congregation is developing a "family ministry team." The team should consist of people who represent all of the many different kinds of families in your congregation, such as: "parents (married and single) of children of different ages; adolescents in single-parent, two parent and other kinds of families; single adults; senior adults (single, married, widowed; and so on.)"

The team should come together well before the congregation is surveyed and decide as a team what type of congregational survey is needed. According to the author, they should decide "What is the one fork-in-the road question facing this church in regard to its ministry to families?" Or "What is one aspect of this congregation's ministry with families you would like to see changed?"

The family ministry team will work together on choosing the proper survey for the congregation. They will decide how to inform and educate the congregation about when and how the survey will take place. They will also decide who will participate in the survey, a random sample of people or the entire congregation. (This is a good time to point out that I have already started the process of developing the family ministry team for West-Ark and I have already selected a very reliable Congregation Needs Analysis/Survey along with the tapes that discuss how to administer the survey properly.)

The remaining portion of the chapter talked about the types of different surveys that can be used and how to go about administering and gathering data. A whole-congregation survey is suggested in order to obtain an extensive and complete overview of the needs of your congregation.

According to the author, when surveying your congregation, "do not limit yourself to adults. Children and adolescents can be wonderful sources of information about family life and the congregation. Include them in the surveys and discussions with family groups, and talk with them in groups of peers."

It is obvious that there will be many steps to take after the family ministry team is developed and the survey is chosen, distributed, and analyzed. There will be many different needs and possibilities for ministry identified. "No congregation can respond to every need and ministry opportunity that presents itself."

Therefore, once the congregational needs survey is analyzed, the church's mission will be to answer the question "Who are we and what do we feel called to do with this information?" The focus will turn to deciding what it means to the church to accept what it has learned about its families and what type of ministry it will pursue in order to meet the needs that have been discovered.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 16 - "Planning and Evaluating Family Ministry")

Chapter 16 focuses solely on how to interpret the information you receive from conducting your congregational survey and how to begin implementing changes in your ministry after you determine what is of most importance. I will share some of the highlights shared in this process.

After the initial assessment is completed, it will be easy to get overwhelmed with all of the needs that will be discovered. That will especially be the case if the church has never considered family ministry before and is relatively new to the concepts about ministry to the entire family.

The family life ministry team, along with the leadership, must begin by considering the congregation's history, heritage, worldview, context, processes, and existing programs. Once the needs have been determined and revealed by the survey, the ministry team needs to select the best methods for incorporating new ministries into the congregation based on its history and individual context.

The following questions should be considered when determining where to begin:

1) "What seems to be the most pressing needs of families in our congregation?"

2) "Which of these needs fit into our church's mission?"

3) "How can we address these needs realistically and financially?"

After those questions have been addressed, the ministry team can begin to determine which plan of action to take as it begins the family ministry process. It can begin by planning "retreats, seminars for teaching material skills, counseling to address environmental stressors, sermons and educational programs for the development of marriage skills and other needs, and the development of support groups for families with various needs" if they seem to be appropriate in order to address the needs that have been discovered.

There are a few things to keep in mind as you begin choosing the appropriate activities that will help minister to families. First, you should "choose ministries that involve members." You will only benefit from family ministry if you are able to get individuals involved who would otherwise not be involved. Second, you should "choose ministries at the level of change for which the congregation is ready." Never push the congregation to go where it's not ready to go. They need to be stretched but not forced. Third, you should "choose ministries that church leaders, especially the preacher, will support." Nothing is as effective as something that is backed, supported, and encouraged from the pulpit and bulletin.

Also, there are a few principles that were mentioned in chapter 16 that should be kept in mind while approaching the changes that will occur after the survey has been completed:

1) "Don't try to convince people that change will be easy."

2) "Change occurs more effectively when it's supported by personal relationships than when

it's carried out by rational decision-making processes alone."

3) "Change needs to be introduced in language that relates to people's experiences."

4) "We change more easily when others can show us the way."

5) "Change sometimes requires leaps of faith."

6) "Change can be catalyzed, but the results cannot always be predicted or controlled."

After the new ministries have been selected and have had time to get underway, it will be healthy and essential to determine ways to evaluate the effectiveness of what you've chosen to do. The following questions should be asked as you seek to find out the effectiveness of your new ministries:

1) "Are we meeting our objectives?"

2) "Are there better ways for meeting our objectives? Should we modify what we are doing, or should we do something else?"

3) "What impact has the ministry had on those who are serving? What might have helped that impact be more significant?"

4) "What impact has the ministry had on the congregation? What might have helped that impact be more significant?"

5) "How have the realities that started us in this direction changed, either because of what we are doing or because of other causes?"

6) "What changes, if any, should we make in our ministry?"

Finally, it will be very easy to try to determine whether or not your new ministries are effective solely based on the numbers involved. We are creatures of habit and usually determine the success of a program based on "how many people are showing up." While this is important in some ways, it's not what's most important. We need to keep the following quote in mind from chapter 16:

"As important as statistics are, it is the STORIES that share the HEART of the ministry and that SPEAK to the heart of the congregation's members, motivating them to continue or make changes in what they are doing to care for families."

We cannot shy away from allowing people to get up in front of others and share what God is doing in their lives. That is why small groups and house churches were so effective in the first century and continue to be to this day. People need to hear what others are going through and that they are not alone. They long for moral and vocal support from others. We should not judge everything based on sole numbers. Let's listen to what's happening in our member's lives as a result of our Christian discipling and new ministries to families.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 17: "Congregational Life as Family Ministry")

At this point, seventeen chapters into this study of Family Life Ministry, you should be able to see that F.L.M. can obviously involve many different things. As a matter of fact, it can include almost every single part of congregational life if a true "Family Life Ministry" attitude is developed.

Chapter 17 discusses many of the different aspects of congregational life that Family Life Ministry can involve including: "worship, education, care for others, administration, and overall ministry." I will briefly discuss each one of these areas in reflection of this chapter.

In light of all that is happening in churches today regarding worship, the section on how Family Life Ministry can influence worship was most interesting to me. The author discussed how our focus in worship has become fixated on performance, so much so that we have forgotten the participants. However, "everything leaders do in worship should guide participants in experiencing and giving glory to God. Worship therefore needs to ENGAGE EVERYONE PRESENT, including the YOUNGEST of children, in active ways."

Many of our churches today contain young people who are "bored by our worship and unable to sit quietly for an hour or more" due to our adult, formalized, performance based setting. Yet, "Jesus made it clear that welcoming children to participate with us, in essence, is welcoming God's presence with us." (Mark 9:36-37) Family Life Ministry affects worship by challenging the leadership to consider the needs of the entire family. They can all be involved and thus carry their worship to a deeper level through participation by: reading scripture, leading prayers, greeting at the doors, collecting the offering, serving on the Lord's table, creating signs, banners, or flower arrangements for the auditorium, and by sharing stories and family experiences during the service that will help others who are going through the same thing.

The next area mentioned involves education. All ages can be integrated into classes together because "younger people need to learn from older people and older people need to learn from younger people." There are obviously times when age appropriate classes are needed and effective, but for the most part, the church is usually responsible for breaking up the family from the time they walk in the doors to the time they leave. Our classes and our worship services have the family in different places, learning different things. For the most part, churches that don't promote Family Life Ministry do not bring the family together in class or worship and lose a valuable opportunity to teach families how to study, pray, have healthy discussions, and worship together. All of these things can be taught in very effective ways through integrated family classes and worship.

Families can also be taught how to care for others through Family Life Ministry. The church can encourage and develop programs that involve caring for others in many different ways. There can be vary service projects for the family to choose from such as: adopting a grandparent or widow, painting someone's house, weekly participation at a nursing home, etc. Families that serve together will grow in many ways they never thought possible.

The next area of church life that Family Life Ministry can affect involves the administration of the church. This is perhaps the most challenging part of change for the church as they are usually set in their ways and protective of the decisions that are made regarding the church. However, the most challenging part can also be the most rewarding part if approached correctly.

The author suggests that even children should be included in the business meetings of the church. "Including children means we must do our work a little differently, less like a business and more like a community or family. Unfortunately, many parents consult and involve their children far more in family decisions than the church involves its children in church decisions."

For instance, in my own church, we have gone to great lengths to be much more family oriented in our business meetings. We have allowed open table discussions and active participation in the decision making process. We are far ahead of many churches. However, at the same time, our teens and younger children remain virtually uninvolved in the process. Most children stay upstairs during the meeting and most of the teens leave during the meeting because they are seldom, if ever, involved or asked for their input. We have tried on occasions to involve them, yet we still have a long way to go. If they felt accepted and needed, they would be there. Children and teens are obviously a big part of our families and their needs and input should be just as important as that of our adults. Perspectives and practices need to change in order to include more involvement from the family, including children.

Finally, the chapter closes by talking about the various ways the church can involve the family in ministry. The following things are a few of the ministry possibilities that were listed for the entire family:

1) Help families pray together about their mission and ministry.

2) Encourage families to share their stories with one another.

3) Teach families to celebrate their spiritual victories and service projects together.

4) Help families recognize their gifts and capabilities and show them how to use them.

5) Help families plan realistically and keep them focused on "why" they are serving others.

This was a good chapter. The next chapter will focus many of the different programs that can be developed to help support family life and involvement together in the congregation and the community.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 18 - "Family Support Programs")

Chapter 18 talks about many of the different programs that can be developed in the local church in order to help promote healthy family life through service and other activities. I will use this report to give a brief description of some of the programs that were listed.

Programs that are developed for Family Life Ministry should provide emotional support, information and practical help to the families in the congregation. Below are some of the programs that can meet these needs:

1) Eating together- The church can set aside a time weekly or monthly that is dedicated to families eating together at the building. The most popular time selected by churches over the years has been Wednesday evenings before services. It gives families the opportunity to takes turns serving, cooking and cleaning together. It also promotes family time, the importance of meal time, and healthy discussions about what has happened to the various family members throughout the day.

2) Celebrating and Remembering- This idea involves planning an evening for families to come together with various snapshots and family photos for the purpose of sharing stories and creating family photo albums. It's a good idea to plan nights like this after a family retreat, church camp or at the end of the summer when families have had an opportunity to make a lot of spiritual memories together. This encourages families to talk about what they've shared together and opens the door for families to get to know other families better as they find out they have experienced many of the same struggles and victories.

3) Provide a family playroom at your church building- This room can have play centers for young children, board games, card games, and couches and chairs. This room could be opened 2 nights a week and a couple of weekend nights each month. It will provide a place for families to go and not have to spend any money in order to have valuable experiences together.

4) Retreats and Camps- Retreats and camps have always been "popular and powerful ways to support families." The possibilities with retreats are endless. You can provide retreats for teens, college students, singles, adults, and even entire families. If planned correctly, the environment at a retreat can lead people to open up in ways they wouldn't in any other setting. The play time, work projects, classes, devotionals, and discussions can really bless a family and make the members come together. I am a firm believer in retreats and camps. I have organized them for 12 years now and they have been the most effective tools I've found for ministry to teens and their families.

5) Childcare- There is always a need for good, inexpensive childcare when families and children are involved. All types of families need childcare: single parents, traditional families, extended families, divorced families, etc. Current stats show that as many as 35% of all churches in America provide some type of childcare for their families.

6) Respite Care- This can be accomplished through programs like Mother's or Parent's Day Out. These programs are usually offered for little or no money at all on a monthly basis and enable parents to take a break and spend some much need time together. As important as family time is, moms and dads, and even single parents need some time on their own to recharge their batteries.

7) Family Counseling- Counseling for families in the church and community can be provided at the church building if there is a licensed or experienced counselor on staff. If not, the Family Life Ministry Team or leadership needs to develop an accurate referral list of counselors in the area that will provide good, Bible-based counseling to your church members.

8) Adopt-a-Member Program- The can be an individual project or a project for the entire family. As discussed in earlier chapters, the leadership can pair up younger and older members, teens and 60+ members, teens and "faith aunts or uncles," etc. Entire families can also work together and adopt a grandparent or work to mentor a younger child in need. Good mentoring programs teach members to listen, share, be sensitive to others, and be committed to others. The possibilities with this program are endless.

In closing, there are some things the leadership needs to remember when planning programs:

* "The programs must propose concrete solutions to the problems they take on. People need to know that there are solutions to their problems."

* "The programs need to empower families to make decisions that will affect their lives."

* "The programs must have partners inside the church system that support them and the change they are focused on. The preacher, leadership, church staff members and other concerned members must be supportive of the program."

* The leadership must realize that "a variety of strategies over a prolonged period of time" will be necessary in order to achieve the desired results. Things will not get better over night. It will take time.

"The issues that confront families today are formidable. Congregations will not right all the wrongs that besiege families, nor do they have the power to transform society into the kingdom of God. They are called to be faithful, to be persistent in living justly and naming injustice, and to point others to the justice of God."

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 19: "Family Life Education Programs")

Chapter 19 provided some really good ideas for ways to better educate and train our families in regard to dealing and coping with their various struggles. It also talks about the ways an effective education program can promote healthy family life and at the same time help prevent some of the very problems it tries to help solve.

When you think about education programs, you usually think about classes or more specifically, Bible classes. However, some of the most effective educational programs the church has chosen to use in order to reach families don't even involve the formal class setting.

Some of the most effective educational programs churches have recently used have been retreats, camps, workshops, small groups, and special worship services that involve entire families. These types of activities put into practice the three basic types of learning: Knowledge, Values, and Skills.

Through increased knowledge, families learn more about their needs or areas of struggle according to Scripture. They look to see what the Bible has to say about that area of their life and learn about the tools they need to develop in order to prevent or solve their problems.

Family Life Education programs should help teach values that will help all types of families "identify what needs to be resolved in their relationship." Teaching family members to develop healthy attitudes helps them learn how to value those around them on a daily basis. They teach people how to trust and respect each other.

Finally, families need to learn several important relationship skills in order to be successful. They need to learn how to listen to each other; speak openly about their feelings in positive ways; and learn problem-solving skills. Two of the most effective ways to teach these skills to families is to model them through the lifestyles of church leaders and to teach them in classrooms, on retreats, in workshops and through other activities that teach families about the importance of working together as a team.

Church leaders have to decide "what it is they want their families to know, value, and be able to do differently" as a result of their overall educational program. Then, they will be able to decide what type of educational programs will best meet those needs.

They must decide if they are going to work in small groups, large groups, or both. They must decide whether to focus on the needs of families during the typical worship hour on Sundays and Wednesdays, during programs away from the building through retreats, camps, small groups, and service projects, or whether they will try to teach their families by doing some of both.

The chapter ends by listing several good questions that leaders will face once they decide what types of activities they will use in their program. They thoughts and discussions were very insightful.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guid

Section Six: Ministry with Specific Family Relationships

(Chapter 20 - "Faith-Families")

A lot was said about "faith-families" earlier in this book. We already know that faith-families are those ties that are made through one's church family and are usually not blood relationships. As a matter of fact, chapter 20 deals specifically with the faith-family relationships that are not tied together by blood or marriage.

These relationships make many people in society and in the church uncomfortable because people do not easily understand the "norms" for a relationship that is not tied together by blood or marriage. Faith-families are more commonly developed by singles or those who have been divorced or widowed since they don't fall into the more accepted "traditional" family category.

However, faith-family relationships are very real, very healthy, and very Biblical. The church often looks down on non-traditional family relationships as "less than the ideal," especially for singles. The church is even often guilty of trying to "pair up" the singles in their church with each other or someone they know because the single lifestyle is looked at as "less than the best."

Again, nothing could be further from the truth. We should all read Mathew 19:10-12, I Corinthians

7:6-9, and 32-35. Both Jesus and Paul talked about the honorable choice to remain single and Paul even deems singleness as "the best life choice."

Christ spoke repeatedly about the importance of relationships outside the "blood-line family." He talked about adoption, belonging and attachment to others in God's family. As a matter of fact, a person's faith- family is supposed to take precedence over their blood family.

This is hard for many people to believe. It's hard for society to understand and it's hard for church leaders to understand and model. I've personally heard it taught and preached for years that commitment to your personal family should always be placed above your responsibilities to your faith-family. Where has this come from? From God? From man? Perhaps they have come from our fears that have developed because of the failures we've experienced in our personal family situations.

No matter the origin, we must begin to find ways to identify the families of all persons, including single adults, and we must begin to involve them in all aspects of church life instead of treating them like solitary units. Whether we want to face the facts or not, the numbers of singles in our churches will continue to increase. This is due to several factors:

1) A larger number of "never before married" people are waiting longer to get married.

2) An increasing number of young adults are choosing to "live together" even in the church.

3) An increasing number of church members are experiencing divorce.

4) A large number of people will always experience the end of the traditional family through death.

Faith-families come in all shapes and sizes. As discussed before, these relationships may exist between children and their faith-aunts, uncles, or grandparents. They may exist between two or three divorced moms who become best friends or who choose to move in together in order to help make ends meet, etc. In any situation, "including faith-families as family groups in worship leadership and in educational programs and ministries will communicate their significance" to them and to the rest of the church.

I will close with a quote from the author that really helped re-focus me on the need to stress faith-family relationships in the church today:

"Ultimately, compassionate care must be our primary focus. Jesus was very clear that the most important commandments were to love God and love neighbor, not to judge neighbor. The actions God looks for are compassionate seeking out and caring for those in need, not excluding them from our circle of fellowship. The most significant characteristic of our relationships will be the love we demonstrate, not whether those relationships are 'family' as the world around us defines family. These are the deepest challenges of family ministry-to help Christians love neighbor and one another, thus showing our love for God."

This may be simply stated, but it is a tremendous lifelong challenge.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 21 - "Marriage & Divorce")

The biggest challenge to chapter 21 was trying to sum up a 40 page chapter on one of the biggest struggles the church faces today in merely 1-2 pages. Chapter 21 gives a brief description of what the Bible teaches about marriage and divorce according to the Old Testament and the New Testament.

The chapter first dealt with marriage. Marriage in America continues to evolve. During the 1950's the average age of people who first married was in the late teens. In the 60's, the average age rose to 22. As recent as 10 years ago, the average age had risen to 25 and statistics now show the age for first time married couples in 2002 to be even higher.

What is causing this trend? There are definitely many things. However, perhaps the greatest factor is the failure rate of marriages today. Many studies have shown the adverse affects of divorce on the children that are involved. Boys seem to react drastically to the divorce and girls react drastically to the remarriage of their parents.

This disease that is affecting our families is causing our children to fear relationships long into their young adult life. Young women who are the product of at least one divorce have proven to go from relationship to relationship and they choose to end most of them before they commit long term. On the other hand, young men who are the product of at least one divorce while growing up simply wait for marriage later in life or simply choose not to get married at all. Many of them choose to live together with their companion.

The overall concept of marriage can be confusing when you consider all the Bible has to say about it. After all, "NO BIBLICAL WRITER TREATS MARRIAGE SYSTEMATICALLY." Throughout the Old and New Testaments, you will find several different opinions about marriage and divorce.

You will find those who support and praise marriage. You will also find those who suggest that those who marry are weaker and teach that remaining unmarried will make you a better servant of God. You will also find strong teaching about lust and adultery while other major biblical characters and leaders participated in multiple marriages with numerous wives, concubines, and prostitutes. How can this be?

There obviously isn't enough room in this brief report to explain the answers to these questions. However, the author did a great job of discussing the biblical foundation for marriage and the biblical teaching concerning divorce.

The main thing I would like to share in this short report is how all of this affects the church today. The author showed the various opinions of not only biblical writers concerning divorce and remarriage but also opinions that exist in today's church regarding how to handle such situations with it's members.

The questions are asked: "What should the church do with those members who are divorced?" "Should they be allowed to remarry with the approval of the church?" "How much disciplining should the church do in regard to it's members marital struggles and failures?"

"Should divorced persons be required to live the rest of their lives single?" The author quotes another famous author, Tony Campolo, and suggest he just may have the best answer: "It is too complex

a question for a legalistic response; we must struggle with it as a church, not leaving the couple to struggle alone, and in each case we must hold in tension that our God is a God of second chances and forgiveness and that marriage is permanent. Allowing remarriage for divorced persons only after prayerful deliberation and approval by the leaders of the church gives hope for remarriage without taking the whole process too lightly. This is a way of affirming people who need another chance while not accepting without question the belief that divorce and remarriage is a right of Christians."

I also found the comments of a noted family therapist very interesting. I will close this summary of marriage and divorce in the church today with his comments and suggest that everyone take them to heart: "The craziest thing about marriage is that one cannot get divorced. We just do not seem to make it out of intimate relationships. It is obviously possible to divide up property and to decide not to live together any more, but it is impossible to go back to being single. Marriage is like a stew that has irreversible and irrevocable characteristics that the parts cannot be rid of. Divorce is leaving part of the self behind, like the rabbit who escapes the trap by gnawing one leg off." (Carl Whitaker)

The church needs to teach the permanence of marriage. It is a relationship that really cannot be ended no matter how hard one or both partners may try. "Social research shows that marriage is permanent and trying to sever the bond of marriage creates suffering." These relationships are connected long into the future through relationships with in-laws, children, grandchildren, and even friendships between the spouses that chose to separate. Divorced couples often find out that they still need each other and are still attached in many ways they didn't think they would be. They are often just as unhappy after the divorce as they were during the marriage. All of these findings affirm the truth of biblical teachings about marriage and divorce and help prove God's design for one man and one woman for a lifetime.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 22 - "Parents and Children")

This chapter, which focuses on parents, children, and their relationships with one another, is broken down into three major sections: Parenting Children, Siblings and Adult Children and Parents/Grandparents. The majority of the chapter focuses on parenting children.

This chapter suggests that just as marriage is key for expressing the relationship between God and his people and Christ and his church, likewise "parenting is the primary biblical metaphor for God's relationship with each of us as individuals."

The fact that married couples would eventually have children and begin a family used to be a given. However, time and culture has changed that. Not every couple decides to have children. Some are unable to have children, yet most couples that do not have children make the choice not to have them. That is usually based on reasons of finance and commitment.

There are several issues we face in America today in regard to raising children and I will list 4 of them:

1) Parenting is a 2 or more person job, but many parents are raising children on their own.

2) Parenting requires a constant state of readiness and demands spiritual strength.

3) The role of fathers today needs to be emphasized and supported.

4) Blended families differ significantly from first marriage families and present different challenges.

Many things were said in this chapter about each point listed above. Each point is worthy of consideration as church leaders and family life ministers try to help families through their struggles.

I would like to share a couple of the comments that were listed in some of the sections mentioned above that really made me think:

"The automobile is replacing the kitchen as the gathering place for the family unit. Conversations take place in the car as it connects the dots of the family's social system, not at the kitchen table. The fastest-selling car in contemporary America is the sports utility vehicle - a vehicle large enough to live in and out of during a family's daily activities."

"In a recent study of 1,000 American families, the increase in the amount of outside activities in which children are involved was more frequently reported as a source of strain on the family than any other source." Outside activities have proven to create more stress than an unclean house, not getting chores done, not having enough money for food, clothing and shelter, and jobs, careers, etc.

After the section on parenting and disciplining children, there was a short section on siblings. It talked about how important this relationship can be, especially later in life when parents become ill and die.

Good sibling relationships can help foster extended care and support for one another while their parents age. It can also provide emotional support and a continued family relationship after the parents are gone.

However, current trends show a major decrease in sibling relationships. Many families are choosing to have smaller families. Many families choose to only have one child. Only time will reveal how this will affect us in the years to come as many children will be on their own as they care for their aging parents. The role of the church can be vital as they become extended family to the adult children who are left to care for the parents physically, financially, and emotionally on their own.

The final section in the chapter talked about children, parents, and grandparents. Since the turn of the century, "the number of Americans over the age of 65 has tripled and the life expectancy has risen from 47 to 78 years of age." Therefore, today's middle aged married couples are the first generation to have to care for their parents while also trying to manage their careers and their own families. Also, many of these families maintain two full-time careers as both mom and dad work.

The financial struggles can be rather large as retired grandparents are living longer than ever before and retirement funds are getting smaller and smaller as a result. The continued emotional strain on their adult children is also increasing as they will often care for their aging parents for several years and many times on their own.

So what can the church do to help families today? We need to realize that cultural trends often leave family members on their own. The church needs to step in more than ever before by assuming the role of extended family to each other. Faith-family relationships are so important. We need to be there for each other as faith "aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, and brothers and sisters." We need to foster these relationships through classes, programs and activities that teach the importance of the entire church family and community raising a family together.

Family Life Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide

(Chapter 23 - "Families Facing Challenges")

The final chapter in this comprehensive look at Family Life Ministry is broken down into two sections. They both deal with extreme challenges families face in daily life. The first section deals with family challenges that involve crises and the second section looks at the challenge that involves family violence.

There are two different kinds of crises. There are crises and catastrophes. "Crises involve some disruption in the family's basic structure and pattern of living." Crises force us to have to adjust to the new circumstances and it often changes the way the family functions.

However, a catastrophe is something that "overwhelms people, making any semblance of normal life virtually impossible." Examples of a catastrophe would be a tornado that totally destroys your home; the sudden, unexpected death of an immediate family member, sudden financial disaster or something of this nature.

Crises and catastrophes are difficult for families because they "disrupt normal family functioning; they often create other crisis situations; they often cause family members to deny the significance of the crisis; and they often cause family members to blame themselves or each other for the crisis." So what can the church do to help families in their ongoing struggle with situations like these?

The church can help families in crisis by "providing concrete care, particularly by taking over family responsibilities or chores in order to allow family members the opportunity to attend to their crisis." The church can also help families in crisis by "linking families to the information and support they need in order to deal with the specific crisis they are facing." Finally, the congregation can help by acting like a family and keeping a "watchful eye out for the family in need."

The final section in this book deals with a very disturbing fact we must face in our churches and in our communities: family violence takes place at an alarming rate every day in America. I have chosen to share some of the statistics listed in the book in order to share with my leaders the current stats involving family violence:

"Three million children are reported abused or neglected in the U.S. each year."

"In the U.S., an average of 3 children die each day from some form of maltreatment or neglect."

"People in our culture are far more likely to experience violence at the hands of a family member than a stranger."

"Most children who are killed in the U.S. die at the hands of family members (54%). Only 6% die at the hands of strangers."

"45.3 percent of the children who were killed in the U.S. in 1995 were killed by their parents."

"The average pastor sees 13-14 situations involving family violence each year."

With all of these facts staring us squarely in the face, again the question arises, "What can churches do to help?" First, church leaders must "constantly keep a watchful eye for the family, husband, wife, or child that remains in isolation." Victims of abuse will almost always hide the evidence of their abuse.

Second, the church should always "provide support for those seeking to protect themselves or others in their family from violence." Research shows that church leaders and pastors often encourage spouses to "stay with their batterers in a misguided understanding of the sanctity of marriage." Leaders often emphasize how much God hates divorce and they often encourage the battered wife to stick it out unless things get really violent. However, the author suggests that we often quote the first part of Malachi 2:16 while neglecting the second part of the verse: "For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and covering one's garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts."

Third, the church can "provide mentoring and support for healthy family relationships." This can be done through sermons, educational classes, seminars, and most effectively by living by example through the lives of our families and faith-families.

Finally, "churches need to provide a framework for all families to understand family violence." Family members need to be taught and reminded that it is never God's will for family members to be abused or to remain in abuse from other family members. Women often remain in situations of extreme abuse because they don't want to neglect their commitment to their marriage. However, "they seldom realize or have it pointed out to them that the covenant was already broken by the violence and abuse they received."

Situations involving crisis, catastrophes, abuse and neglect are never easy to deal with. However, if the proper steps are taken, church leaders can teach its members to effectively reach out to other faith-family members and effectively help families through their time of crisis. "No matter how effective the church is in preparing and nurturing and challenging families, congregations will still face these crises and tragedies in the lives of families." Leaders must always remember that God is the ultimate forgiver, deliverer, and provider of grace. He can help us through our deepest, darkest hours. And He often uses his church as the vehicle for accomplishing his mighty works.